being home after being gone for so long is a humbling experience. the past creeps up on you.
i could have sworn it was over, then i saw her again and a million memories came flooding back. my heart turned to metal and i felt my chest tighten as she smiled and said hello. i've missed you. i hope you don't have to go anywhere. i wish you could stay with me. you make me feel like a better person. i wish we could always be together.
and i know it'll be torn away again. it's agonizing. there is no veritable solution to any of it and i know this is the reason i can't sleep. why do things have to be this way?

beyond all that, it's been beautiful. i missed home, and this patchy sky with the blue darkness peaking over the pitch black lets me know it is almost over. it will be a long time before i see this place again. where i'm going, hell, i wish i knew that. more due to the fact that i am going is the thought that scares me.

i just need a few more days to think.