being home after being gone for so long is a humbling experience. the past creeps up on you.
i could have sworn it was over, then i saw her again and a million memories came flooding back. my heart turned to metal and i felt my chest tighten as she smiled and said hello. i've missed you. i hope you don't have to go anywhere. i wish you could stay with me. you make me feel like a better person. i wish we could always be together.
and i know it'll be torn away again. it's agonizing. there is no veritable solution to any of it and i know this is the reason i can't sleep. why do things have to be this way?

beyond all that, it's been beautiful. i missed home, and this patchy sky with the blue darkness peaking over the pitch black lets me know it is almost over. it will be a long time before i see this place again. where i'm going, hell, i wish i knew that. more due to the fact that i am going is the thought that scares me.

i just need a few more days to think.

"life is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

truthfully, i was never much into any of shakespeare's work besides macbeth, but that quote has always been one of my favorites - if only because it is hard to take out of any context.

sitting in my room listening to the rain while my roommate reads some obscure sci-i novel from decades ago. more surreal than of me having any sort of affinity to my environment, but still. peaceful.

hopefully getting around to finishing the first part of my training tomorrow. staring at a blue screen with a schematic and some numbers floating across random parts of a circuit isn't necessarily what i had initially planned. doable, though. can't ask for much more in a literal militaristic setting where its even considered a taboo to speak.

what am i doing.

can't last forever.

things will be okay.

knowing the right thing to do can be tricky. you've got to look at things on a distinctly larger scale than the more attractive short-term.

how many horoscopes. direct remarks from other people. other worldly force has to intervene before we realize something isn't worth the effort?

how do you know when its time to move on. and why does it hurt so much to try sometimes?

time mends all wounds, but never fully removes the scars of what has happened. instead, why are we left alone to ponder the actions of others, and the consequences of our own?

maybe the most complex of life's questions can't be answered until we are dead. but by that point, will we care?

too many questions.